One month

Exactly a month ago at this time, I was cuddling my newborn baby.  It's hard to believe it's been a month.  The days have gone so quickly in between but it still feels like yesterday.  People check in on me to see if I'm doing "okay."  I'm not sure what okay means.  Is it supposed to mean that I spend my days bawling and grieving (and not "healing")?  Or does it mean that I am happy and chipper and going about my business (and bottling up feelings instead of dealing with them)?  Well, I'm somewhere in between those two points.

I'm probably one of the only ones who hasn't minded this extended winter and the fact that we are going into April with huge snow banks still hanging around.  I'm ok with time moving slowly.  I haven't unpacked my hospital bags yet and have a large stack of condolence cards to open.  It's not that I don't want to do these things or that I'm not going to, I just don't feel like rushing.  Because once I do these things, what's next?  It kind of feels like I'll have to "move on" when all my Naomi tasks are finished and I don't want to do that yet.

I'm also moving slowly because of this.

This is what ~600 ounces of breastmilk looks like.  I'm pumping to donate Naomi's milk.  I pump 6-7 times per day and it takes 3-4 hours per day, and I'm actually pumping right now as I type this.  Now granted, spending that much time at my computer in a day is nothing new!  But it means I get sucked into the interwebz every 3 hours, making it a little harder to get involved in much else during my day.  Not to mention planning my day's outings in 3-hour increments.  I can't even imagine being someone who exclusively pumps AND has a baby to take care of.  Seriously, hats off to anyone who ends up on that path.

Besides the cost of time involved, I'm also paying to rent a hospital-grade pump and buying milk storage bags.  Yes, it's ok to call me a little crazy.  I think that fact has already been well established.  I'm doing this for a variety of reasons of which you'll have to read a future blog post for me to fully explain, but what it boils down to is that I want to.  Simple as that.  It's not fully settled how much milk is going where, but the plan is for some to go to the Mothers' Milk Bank of New England in Boston and some will be shared with local moms.

Thankfully I've had a great milk supply, which will never fail to excite me after all the problems I had with nursing my first baby.  This is from my second pump today (after freakishly low results from my first pump of the day).  It's a new record for me!

Another nice surprise today was receiving this beautiful peace plant via FedEx, from my cousin.  She was my maid of honor and despite our lives taking very different directions and rarely seeing each other, she will always be my BFF. <3  It's probably luck that it came on Naomi's one-month birthday, but I'll let myself assume it was intentional. :)

Physically my recovery has been excellent.  Exceedingly easy.  Although I have to go on record and say that the postpartum fuzzy brain is not just due to sleep deprivation from a newborn like everyone says it is.  I get plenty of consecutive sleep hours and still find myself befuddled by simple mental tasks.  I have only recently regained some ability to do basic math in my head, and most of that revolves around increments of 30 and what numbers add up or subtract to 180.  (My exclusively pumping friends will understand this.)

In my last post, I mentioned the picture slide show for the funeral service that my husband and I made.  We do still plan to share it online.  I've been slow partly for the reasons all outlined above, but also because I want to be extra careful that all necessary precautions are taken.  Once something hits the internet, you can't get it back.  Unfortunately there are people out there who will steal ultrasound and baby pictures and claim them as their own.  They do this for money, or attention, or simply because they are mentally ill.  I just need to be thoroughly sure of what I share before we do it.  I am still eager to show how beautiful Naomi was with all of you.

Naomi's Song

All of my children have had a special song written for them by their Aunt CJ.  Here is Naomi's.  It was written back in November and Naomi got to hear it performed live in our hospital room.

I know people are dying to know "how I'm doing."  Honestly I've always found that question incredibly hard to answer, even under normal circumstances.  How I'm doing right now might not be how I'm feeling ten minutes ago or ten minutes from now.  It's just hard to gauge yourself too.  This morning we buried our baby girl.  This afternoon we went shopping and bought a Cars headlamp and plastic bowling set for our 2yo, and our 6yo bought herself a $40 LEGO Friends set with money she had extricated from family over the last two weeks.  The tone of our lives is changing moment by moment.  From what I hear, it's going to get worse before it gets better.

This afternoon and evening has been filled with a great sense of relief.  This birth has been hanging over me since August 14th.  I spent five weeks on edge, feeling like I might blink and be in labor seconds later, and everything had to be ready to go.  The last week has been a balancing act of recuperating from birth but also trying to get a lot done before the funeral and burial services.  I have not even written out the birth story yet.

Right now, this moment, I feel like someone who has just finished running a marathon.  Or just finished their last final exam.  The grief is suppressed momentarily while the relief from finishing what is likely the biggest event of my life washes over me.

My daughter's life has already completed, but I'm just beginning to tell you her story.  The slide show we made for the funeral will be put online and I can't wait to introduce her to the world.

Saying Goodbye

Tonight we introduce our Naomi Grace to the world, and tomorrow we say our final goodbye.

Thank you all

Thank you everyone for the huge outpouring of love and support you have shown.  I was keeping up with Facebook early in the induction process then stopped when things really got going.  After the birth, I of course gave Naomi my undivided attention, which means I now have 186 Facebook notifications to catch up on (eventually!  And I think it may be more as I just realized Facebook keeps resetting the count).  So know that while I do appreciate everyone reaching out, it will be some time before I see it all, and there won't be many individual replies from me.

I plan on writing out the full birth story soon, but the brief version is that the induction was very smooth and easy.  I got one dose of misoprostol at around 9:30AM.  That got things going enough that I did not get any other induction interventions.  My water spontaneously broke at 2:23PM which is when I would say real labor began, and Naomi entered this world at 6:46PM.  As far as labor and delivery goes, it was physically easier by far than either of my other births and I feel fortunate in how well that worked out.

As planned, Naomi went immediately to my chest for skin-to-skin contact after she was born.  She did not appear to be breathing and was limp and lethargic.  I asked if she was alive and was told the cord was not pulsing, so she appeared to have been born still.  After laying on me for a bit she surprised us all with a large gasp for air, then was still again.  She then let out a second gasp, after which I asked them to check her heartbeat.  It was beating!  Brian and I both took turns listening to that beautiful sound via stethoscope.  Naomi then started slowly breathing more regularly and pinking up.  She was covered in a thick layer of vernix so stayed against my chest as her skin eventually soaked it in.

The hospital had a private waiting area for our family that was right next door to my room.  After the placenta was delivered and things cleaned up a bit, grandparents and my sister and BIL were able to come in and meet Naomi.  The hospital chaplain also came and Naomi Grace was baptized.  Big sister and big brother came in to meet her and the entire family stayed and celebrated with us until late into the night.

Naomi was a fighter as despite her dropping oxygen saturation levels and struggling to maintain her breathing, her heart continued beating.  We stayed up until probably around 5AM, thinking she was going to leave us soon, until we finally laid down for some sleep.  Naomi slept in my arms and the nurse agreed to check on her frequently for us so that we could relax more.  We still woke several times before getting up around 8AM.  Right before 10AM the nurse checked on us again, including checking Naomi's heart rate.  Naomi was in my arms and suddenly something seemed different about her.  I could not feel a heartbeat so asked Brian to check.  The nurse popped back in for something she had forgotten, so was right there to listen again with her stethoscope and confirmed that her heartbeat had stopped.  It was a very peaceful passing, and Brian and I are both relieved and grateful that she did not appear to be in any pain during her final moments.  We had another 8 hours with her before saying goodbye at 6PM.

We are planning a funeral service for 5-7PM EST on Monday, March 4th.  All friends and family are invited to join us if they wish to, and there will be pictures and video shared of her lifetime.  The burial service will be held the next day, on Tuesday the 5th, and will be private for family only.  In lieu of flowers, please consider donating to The Shepherd's Crook Ministries, designated in memory of Naomi Grace.  http://theshepherdscrook.org/donate/now/  We cannot do anything to bring our baby girl back, but funds donated will help another baby get home to his or her family.

Induction

I'm 41 weeks, 2 days today and had an appointment this morning with one of my favorite midwives.  I am still not dilated at all and have a low Bishop's score, but we are in agreement that it's time to move forward with an induction.  Due to aspects of the acrania/anencephaly, Naomi's body is not signaling to my body that it is time for her to come out like it otherwise would.  Despite the low Bishop's score, my previous strong birth history will hopefully mean that my body will respond quickly to the interventions and start doing what it's supposed to with just a little prodding.

We were looking at going in tonight but they are fairly busy right now so it's going to be tomorrow morning.  Unfortunately our area is getting yet another blizzard of 8-12 inches of snow expected on Wednesday/Thursday.  I already can't see the road when parked at my house due to the insanely high snow banks, so I don't know where this snow is going to go, but at least it's one thing I don't have to be the one to deal with.  Hopefully the roads will still be relatively clear when we head in to the hospital.

I won't say that I *want* to be induced as of course I would prefer for it to just happen naturally, but obviously there are many things about this pregnancy that I would change if I had the power to do so.  I can't go back in time and prevent us being exposed to norovirus.  I can't snap my fingers and make a blizzard not come.  I can't wish for my body to go into labor and expect it to do so at my command.  I can't just decide for my baby to be healthy and have it be so.  All I can do is keep going forward, trying to make the least worse choices.

Oops, it was a blizzard.

We got well over a foot of snow, but I stayed inside oblivious to it as the men did all the shoveling and also helped the kids build a snowman.  Roads are clear again now and we didn't lose power. 

Logic would say that birth would feel more imminent after passing 41 weeks, since there is less potential waiting time left than there is at 37-39 weeks. But instead it reminds me of the story of the boy who cried wolf. After every day you expect it and it doesn't happen, eventually it honestly feels like it's just not going to.

My next appointment is tomorrow morning, however dh and BIL got hit with the virus overnight.  They are the last two, making 8 out of 8.  Hopefully they heal quickly as obviously we want and need daddy to be healthy and present for the birth.  That factor will probably delay any potential induction plans to be discussed at the appointment.  I am feeling totally back to normal and sipping on red raspberry leaf tea now.

 

40 weeks + 6 days + norovirus - blizzard

At this point in my previous pregnancies, my oldest was an hour old and my second baby was a week old.  So I'm officially pregnant longer than I've ever been pregnant before.  Because my second came so quickly (1.5 hour precipitous labor), my stepdad, mom, sister, and BIL all arrived a week ago from out of state.  While everyone knows it's easy to go past an estimated due date, acknowledging it and experiencing it are always two different things.  With my husband being home, five people have missed a week's worth of work waiting on Naomi.  Luckily all of the various employers are being accommodating of our situation.  My mom and stepdad are staying at a nearby hotel and my sister and BIL are staying with us.

Unfortunately, along with our guests came a nasty case of norovirus.  It hit my stepdad on Monday after which he stayed quarantined at the hotel.  Then my mom on Wednesday.  On Thursday at 3:30am, I abruptly woke up to my 2yo standing in my face with what I thought was snot all over his hands.  It wasn't snot.  On Friday, my 6yo's teacher said she thought dd wasn't feeling well as she had fallen asleep at a school assembly at the end of the day.  Later that evening, I walk by her in the living room and she tells me, "Mommy, go look in the bathroom but TAKE YOUR SOCKS OFF, ok?  Take your socks off.  I said take your socks off!"  (I guess I have a bit of a rep for being disgruntled when my socks get wet from water on the bathroom floor.)  The bug had hit her too and she hadn't made it to the toilet.  Later on while moaning and waiting for it to strike again, she turned to daddy and said, "I miss being myself."  My sister and I succumbed overnight, so dh and BIL are the last two standing.  Luckily the grandparents are all well enough now to take over caring for the kids.  The 2yo hit 24-hours without vomiting early this morning (and also slept 12 hours straight, unusual for him), and while the 6yo had much more frequent and intense episodes last night, has also been fine since then.  My sister and I have each spent most of the day in bed, but seem to be recovering well.  Other than the few times I have been in the bathroom, I haven't had other pain or nausea.  Just feeling very drained of energy.  My poor sister has been having "sympathy contractions" though, as she called it.  Her and BIL have retreated to the hotel room.

We are in NH and the weather reports had been calling for a blizzard this weekend.  Luckily the storm has declined and now we're just looking at some crummy roads and a few inches of snow.  Not great but nothing like the Nemo storm from two weekends ago.

I know lots of people are praying for us, and at least some would like to know specifically what to pray for.  So here you go.

• that my husband does not catch this virus, and if he does that it pass quickly before Naomi comes (this goes for BIL too of course)
• that I'm able to continue healing quickly, as this virus seems to like recurring for several days
• that Naomi waits just a bit longer to make her appearance, due to the above
• safe travel for everyone if we end up going in during this weekend's storm

My next appointment is on Tuesday.

40 weeks + 2 days...

Nothing to report yet, but figured I'd check in for those only following me by this blog.  Bags are ready to go, family is here and waiting, just need Naomi to decide it's time!

He's home!!!

While local friends knew about this, anyone I communicate with primarily online probably does not as I tried not to be public about it.  My husband has been living and working in another state 3 hours away since August.  It was something he signed up for before Naomi's diagnosis and we decided to proceed with it anyway.  We actually drove an hour in order to squeeze in the appointment with the MFM specialist to get the official diagnosis a few days before he left, as a local appointment wasn't available until the day after he left.  Through the end of 2012, the kids and I would make the drive and spend the weekend with him about twice a month, and he would come home once a month, and we'd have to skip a weekend, on average.  He was home (and working, but locally) for the week in between Christmas and New Year's, then we went to see him for the long weekend over MLK Jr. Day, but that's all we've seen him since December.  I've pretty much been single-parenting for the last six months.

He has been very careful to not use any time-off, as his employer, the federal government, does not offer any paternity leave.  (Which I think is crazy, as Wal-mart of all places gave him a fully paid two weeks!)  And he only gets something like 2-3 bereavement days.  We had planned for his last day to be Friday, 2/8 and he would drive back either that night or the next morning.  On Wednesday the 6th I heard the weather reports and texted him to say that I thought he should leave a day early.  It's one thing to be 3 hours away with a due date one week away, it's another to be this close and have blizzard predictions of crazy amounts like 20"-40" standing between you.  He made it home early this morning, in time to make pancakes for breakfast for everyone.  He said the roads were fine until the very end, when it was getting thick enough that everyone was choosing to drive in the same lane on the highway that was clearest.  He is home for good now, unless or until we decide he should volunteer to go back.  He will go back to work locally on Monday.

Some have wondered why I didn't just move down there and stay with him as the assignment could have lasted until June.  We considered it, but we did not know until he arrived that his accommodations would be so large (a 2-bedroom furnished apartment that we called "the hotel" instead of daddy's apartment).  We also were nervous about the assignment being cut short for some reason, and disrupting our daughter's school year.  Or how to handle taking care of our home while we were gone.  But perhaps the #1 reason was that I didn't want to uproot us from our social support network here.  The idea of an extrovert like me being stuck in a new area with no friends, home all day with kids while he was at work, did not sound like a good idea.  As nice as it is to see him every day, I thought me being that secluded would actually be more stressful for us all than maintaining a long-distance relationship would be.

On that note, now I will share with you some of the beautiful gifts I have received in the last week, all from local friends.  The first pic is from a blessingway that friends threw for me last Sunday.

And here is a close-up of the hats they have made for Naomi.

The top row is actually handkerchiefs that have been converted into bonnets, and can be turned back into handkerchiefs.  The basket in the first pic is full of these.  It is good to have a large variety of hats so that we have better chances of having one on hand that will fit her perfectly.  I will be giving any extras to the hospital, as they keep a stash of hats on hand for other special babies.

I was presented with another special craft too, but will wait until I receive the finished masterpiece before revealing it.

I have not taken a picture of my deep freezer, but I've also gotten meals from several friends.  It will be so nice to have some ready-made delicious meals on hand, that we can just make when the time is right without worrying about a drop-off schedule, returning dishes, etc.

I still have an incredibly long to-do list to tackle before giving birth.  I would have thought there would be less to do, as we're not preparing the house for another baby, but it feels like more.  I have four sets of paperwork to complete and several people to e-mail.  Lots to keep me busy during this impending blizzard.

A bit of overspending, and some gifts

Last week, I did something shocking.  Something I have never done before in my life.

I paid full price for new baby clothes from Gymboree.  While those who don't know me might not find this statement shocking, those who do will probably be picking their jaws up off the floor right now.

Here's what $104.70 got me:

Now in my defense, I do plan to return whichever outfit and jacket is not used, but I wanted to have both on hand just in case.  The left outfit is for under 5 pounds and the right one is for 5-9 pounds.  I'm guessing she will fit into the one on the right.  Her siblings were 10 pounds and 9lb4oz.  She definitely won't weigh as much as they did as so much weight is in the skull, but even if her body is similar in size, I think she will fit into a 5-9lb outfit.  Even with my big babies, newborns come out so scrunched up that they fit well in smaller clothes at first.  In general, anencephaly babies run small and I'm measuring a little small too (I usually measure large).  The strawberry cap is for up to 5 pounds, and then the other thing is just a little plush strawberry rattle (photo prop).

This week I decided that I should get a few more outfits too, and I went to Kohl's for Carter's outfits.  This time I spent a little more at $148.11, but got a lot more:

The top left outfit is a size 6mo.  I grabbed it anyway so I can remember it to look for a NB size, but looking at the Carter's website, it looks like they only manufactured it as small as 0-3mo.  Everything else is newborn size.  Also grabbed some cute socks and booties.  I'm not sure how well they match up to the non-footed outfits as my 2yo was running up and down aisles by that point and I had to go.  I still need to spend some time deciding which outfits are my favorites and which ones I would use first.  Again, I plan to return the ones that we don't use.  I can't decide about washing them first or not.  Usually I would wash baby clothes first, but I don't really know which ones we will use.  I obviously won't want to wash them after.  I know Kohl's will accept the items for return even if washed (so I could theoretically just wash it all and return what's unused), but I don't feel right doing that either.

I have also received some beautiful gifts in the last week or two.

The gown, hat, and booties on top are from a family friend, my Auntie Helen.  The blanket, hats, and CD on the left are from my mom's coworker Dorothy and her mom.  The white blanket on the right is a prayer shawl from women at my mother-in-law Sue's church.  And the u/s frame and pink heart are from my Aunt Debbie and Gram.  Thank you all so much for your thoughtful and beautiful gifts.