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Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Naomi's Song

All of my children have had a special song written for them by their Aunt CJ.  Here is Naomi's.  It was written back in November and Naomi got to hear it performed live in our hospital room.

I know people are dying to know "how I'm doing."  Honestly I've always found that question incredibly hard to answer, even under normal circumstances.  How I'm doing right now might not be how I'm feeling ten minutes ago or ten minutes from now.  It's just hard to gauge yourself too.  This morning we buried our baby girl.  This afternoon we went shopping and bought a Cars headlamp and plastic bowling set for our 2yo, and our 6yo bought herself a $40 LEGO Friends set with money she had extricated from family over the last two weeks.  The tone of our lives is changing moment by moment.  From what I hear, it's going to get worse before it gets better.

This afternoon and evening has been filled with a great sense of relief.  This birth has been hanging over me since August 14th.  I spent five weeks on edge, feeling like I might blink and be in labor seconds later, and everything had to be ready to go.  The last week has been a balancing act of recuperating from birth but also trying to get a lot done before the funeral and burial services.  I have not even written out the birth story yet.

Right now, this moment, I feel like someone who has just finished running a marathon.  Or just finished their last final exam.  The grief is suppressed momentarily while the relief from finishing what is likely the biggest event of my life washes over me.

My daughter's life has already completed, but I'm just beginning to tell you her story.  The slide show we made for the funeral will be put online and I can't wait to introduce her to the world.


  1. Hugs and good wishes. You are one very very strong lady. I am glad you have such good support. If I was still in NH I would help you, bring a meal, take you out for tea. Know that you are always in my heart and thoughts.

    Fondly, Ramona

  2. Thinking of you often. I can't wait to see the slide show. Many people here are praying for you.

  3. We're quiet here in Cincinnati, but still following every step of this story, still loving you, and still praying for all of you as the hours and days pass and the flurry of activity settles into a daily routine again.

  4. You and your husband are so courageous. Your story has been incredible. My heart is with you and your husband. I look forward to your slide show--thank you for opening life to us for sharing.

  5. I can't wait to see Naomi, you are constantly in my thoughts.

  6. (((hugs))) and continued prayers. I look forward to seeing photos of Naomi Grace

  7. I am so glad that Naomi has a song and that she got to hear it! Thank you for being willing to put the slideshow online, so that we can put her beautiful face with the spirit we already know. Thank you for the peak of her in the photo here.

    For whatever it's worth, I think what you're experiencing right now in terms of grief is normal -- all the hubbub going on, it's hard to really feel anything else. I have no idea at all what you went through in all this, what you're going through, or what you will go through, but my experiences with grief were like what you're describing -- the "hubbub" in the beginning makes it hard to feel anything else. I think it's a blessing really -- it allows you to focus on all the external things you need to tend to, because the internal things you'll need to tend to later will take so much more of your energy when they come that if the external tasks weren't already done, they might not get done at all. I know the way I worded that was a bit confusing, I hope it made sense. That's how it was for me in my life anyway -- It was almost like an odd sense of being numb. It wasn't as though the feelings were "gone" just turned on "low" for the beginning, and then after all the tasks were done, then the volume went up, and I was ready to work with what came.

    Not that you need told this, but as you grieve in the days, months, and years ahead, feel whatever you feel as you feel it. So many people think they should be going through some sort of prescribed process, and then it should be "over" at some point -- and then they have the indecency to expect others to do the same. Don't buy into that! Feel whatever you feel when you feel it, and don't care what anybody thinks. If that means one morning you were supposed to go to a PTA meeting or something, and it's a hard morning and you don't feel like you can do it, then don't go to that PTA meeting -- even if it's years from now. I don't believe it's ever really "over," it just gets easier after a time. And that's OK. No person's life ever looses value regardless of how long they've been gone, so grief over the loss shouldn't have a time table either. It does get easier over time, but that doesn't mean it's ever "over." I don't think it should be. It's not the same as your situation, but my mother lost my father shortly after I was born. That means it's been 29 years since he passed, and even though it's not as raw as in the beginning for her, and it's not the same daily burden as it was 29, 28, or even 20 years ago, there are still times when she will cry or get mad or both to this day. Because even though pictures may fade, the love does not. And I think that's how it should be. Give yourself license to feel whatever you feel whenever you feel it. Don't worry about being "strong" for your other children and putting on a brave face all the time. Your grief will help them through their own grief, and bond you all together. That's been my experience anyway, both as a child with my mother, and then as a mother with my son. Some tears are for yourself and God only, and others are shed best when they are shared. For whatever it's worth, I wanted you to know that.

    I hope what I wrote here wasn't too forward or too soon. Please know I wrote what I was thinking and feeling with only love and support for you in my heart. We are all so proud of the decisions you made and that Naomi had you and your husband as parents. I am so thankful you made her short life so full. And I am thankful that you were willing to include me and all of us in this journey you are on.

    You are in my heart and my prayers.

  8. A beautiful song for a beautiful wee girl. What grace and dignity you and your family have shown, Sarah, and have given your daughter.

  9. That was beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing.

  10. Continuing to hold you close to my heart. How I wish that the loss of a precious baby was something we did NOT have in common. But since we do, know I will be praying you through the journey of bereavement.
    You are precisely right when you say the tone of your life is changing moment by moment. Go with the flow, deal with what needs dealing with, let the grief wash over you as the waves upon the shore.
    Know you are never, ever alone.

    In Christ and with deep compassion,

  11. Such a beautiful tribute song for your beautiful girl!! Praying for your heart sweet momma as you begin this "afterwards" part of the journey.

  12. It's perfect and beautiful, just like Naomi. <3